In my nutrition and coaching business, the Birkman assessment is used to uncover needs and stress behaviours that can sabotage success. There are nine components. This post discusses the component of Insistence -how rigid or flexible a person’s approach is to detail and structure.
Starting my day intentionally and on purpose is central to my peace of mind and well-being. I am usually out of bed by 6 am. Having made my bed, I take my candle and head to the living room where the pot of espresso that was prepared the night before (more on this later) goes on and I sit in the dark with a few peaceful moments to myself. I watch the sparkling and spinning shadows cast by the carousel of stars mounted on the candle on the ceiling and I sit in peace. This is when I think and plan. Of course, things do not always go according to plan when you are caregiver to a sweet little 80-year-old gentleman with a mind of his own!!
Endre and I have known each other for almost 29 years. A deep and meaningful friendship developed through the years of adversity and now I care for him in his deepest hours of need.
One year ago, Endre was diagnosed with spinal stenosis. The condition is advanced and extremely painful, but he soldiers along bravely. He has 30% of his L3 vertebrae left (one chiropractor said it was the most perfect wedge he had ever seen) and nerve subluxations at L4-L5. At several places along the spinal column there are microfractures and bits and pieces of the spiny projections found on the vertebrae have broken off and are in the spinal canal. He manages the pain with Tylenol 3 with codeine and sleeps most of the day. No orthopedic surgeon in Canada will touch him and the procedure that could alleviate much of the pain is only available in the U.S. The prognosis is pain and decay to the end of his days. I don’t have the heart to tell him this when he cries and asks when the pain will stop.
He has anxiety and depression and is susceptible to hyponatremia, where intracellular levels of sodium fall too low and results in seizures and speech paralysis. His nervous system is damaged and often his body does not obey his brain. There are coordination and balance issues. On average, he falls twice weekly, and seizures increase the odds of him falling and breaking a hip or other body part.
Two nights ago, he suffered a bad fall at midnight. His knee gave out and he fell hard on his left side. He hit his head and suffered a black eye but, being his usual self, he refused to go to the ER. He fell again two days later and refused to go to the ER because of horrific experiences he suffered from his previous two hospitalizations, one in December 2021 and the other in 2022.
You might wonder what all this has to do with insistence. Well, consider that I could have insisted on a trip to the ER at the risk of upsetting him further. This would have been the best and recommended course of action, but it would only have made him more anxious, upset and resistant. From previous hospitalizations he is terrified of another experience and, given his age and where the elderly rank in our society, he likely would have been quickly examined or put through basic diagnostics, pronounced to be okay and sent home with a prescription for one week’s worth of painkillers. It has happened before.
Sometimes, insisting on the process and that outcomes follow a prescribed pattern is not always the best course of action. Flexibility is sometimes the preferred option. The situation can always be reassessed as new information becomes available. The more flexible our mindset, we relax and make room for new and different possibilities. It becomes easier to access creativity.
Let’s talk about discipline. What’s the relevance here? For me, this has been one episode of many over the years. We are almost five years into this experience, three years since his first hospitalization and one year since the spinal stenosis diagnosis. Things have been on a steady decline with numerous slippery slopes. Projects, dreams and goals have been scheduled and rescheduled. It is difficult holding the pieces together when you can’t stick to plan and there is no end date in sight. Everything is uncertain but you know you must keep going. One step at a time.
Projects are scheduled and although the deadlines and checkpoints shift, you show up and get at least one thing, or part of the project, done. It requires a lot of discipline to keep moving when the vision remains stubbornly out of reach.
This is where discipline plays the leading role.
As you read this, you would be forgiven for thinking it reads more like flexibility. You would be right. Could it be that discipline and flexibility are dance partners? Together, they dance the choreography of movement. Forgive me but this lover of dance, especially the strength, grace and fluidity of the ballet, could not resist the temptation.
Flexibility is the opposite of rigidity and insistence is the opportunity to find the balance between these two poles. Life gets messy and we can’t keep our familiar routines. Things don’t go according to plan or we don’t have the support we feel we need and we fall out of balance. We can’t plan and execute according to structure and must instead be spontaneous, creative and flow like water.
No straight lines only curves and squiggles.
What happens when the need for the orderly and predictable approach goes unrealized? We slip into stress mode and resort to behaviours that sabotage our desired outcomes. We look for ways to lessen the impact of these undesirable outcomes, the definition of buffering. We buffer in all sorts of ways from over-eating, drinking, spending, exercising and the list goes on.
Keep the movement going. Surrender the desire that everything must work according to plan and become reconciled with uncertainty. Rigidity easily becomes a trap that stifles creativity and adventure and breeds fear. It breeds the fear of failure that often leads to torpor and being stuck.
There is so much still to write but we will leave it here for now. Remember, just show up and do your best. Be flexible when things don’t go according to plan. There is always another way.
Always.
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